hello there, it's just me: the same old brand new me.

Well hello there everyone! How has 2013 been going for you so far? It's been going great for me! I'm still the same old same old me, or maybe I've changed a little, but only just a little ;)

Things have been going great lately. Abah has fully recovered from leptospirosis. Alhamdulillah for that. He no longer needs to feed from a tube and has even started driving again. He is also able to continue with his chemotherapy so he can go on with his fight against Cancer. You go Abah! After he survived that, I think nothing else in the world mattered to us. Even those things I used to think were so big before, didn't seem so big to me anymore. We're all just so thankful that we still have our father, and Mum still has a husband. Allah has spared him, as well as us. He's given us more time with him. We will never ever take that for granted. The lesson learnt here is to always always be careful where and what you eat. We suspect Abah contracted his leptospirosis from the Filipino Market when we were in Sabah. The place was pretty dirty, but I'm not saying don't go to Sabah and all that. I'm just saying that you should always be careful. If the place looks dirty, it probably is. Even if it's cheap, your life isn't. Oh, and always always remember to read your doa makan before you consume anything. Ask God to protect you from any harm you could get from eating the food.

Abah and Mum choosing seafood at the Filipino Market

Ok, about Masters, I'm still waiting for a reply. There have been rumours about it being full for this intake so we might get pushed to the next one in September. Oh well if it does come to that, I'm gonna go get some working experience first. Don't get me wrong though, I do love my current job very much and my boss has offered me to work part time because she still needs my help and I too want to see this research through, till the very end but, I love teaching even more and I really really want to get some teaching experience. There have been many job opportunities popping up. I feel very blessed that every once in a while someone offers me a job, it's just a matter of choosing the right one and sending in my resume. I'm just gonna wait till mid February and if I hear nothing from UPM, then well, it's time to get a new job! Fingers crossed!

Another happy story to tell is that I've finally met someone (well actually we've known each other for quite some time already) but you know, nothing was really possible back then. I've known him for a little over two years now but we've been going strong for around over 6 months to date. He's a great guy. He's met with my family, had dinner once and has lunch with mum and me quite often. He looked after our cats when we were in Sabah and Abah even gave him a key into the house then. That's how much they trust him, and that's good. I do hope something good comes of this, because I have had enough of being sad. We're not going to rush anything because he too has just finished his studies but at least he's willing to look into the future with me, and that to me is as good as it gets. His name is Syafiq Asyraf. I just call him Syafiq. I'll be frank and tell you that he is best friends with Role. You know, the dude that told me he didn't have a girlfriend but actually did, and for five years already. I don't think it's any important to go too deep into the details but to cut to the chase, now I'm with Syafiq. Don't worry. It's nothing behind anybodies back. Nothing like that. Syafiq has told Role and they're ok and Role and I are too now so I guess it's all good. Though sometimes he does call me up in the middle of the night, not quite right in the head and he tells me silly things like he misses me and stuff. It's kinda sad, and I do feel kinda bad to be moving on and leaving him behind like that but this is a journey he has to take himself. You know, I honestly don't regret any of it but nor do I regret leaving. From this, I have learnt that you cannot ever convince people to love you, no matter how hard you try. This is an absolute rule. No one will ever give you love because you want him or her to give it. I learned that the hard way. Real love moves freely in both directions. So you shouldn't waste your time on anything else, but instead, learn to love back.

My new hello ;)

 

Andddd happy story number four is actually a combination of happy stories that don't even really belong to me. Haha. But I am happy for them. Bella is engaged and is planning to get married sometime this year. Nana got married last month/year. Vinn, Madil, Jack, Syafiq and me made our best efforts to make it to her wedding day, even though it wasn't her side but we made it so yeay! It was a fun road trip to be having with friends and seeing Nana happy to see us there was priceless :) The third and most recent happening was when Tok gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. We were so excited! We've been excited since we first knew she was pregnant! Hihi. This baby is our Tengo jr. So he's very special to us. We went to pay them a visit yesterday and oh my, the buzz from holding a new born baby in my arms is still there! Can't wait to see him grow up :)

 

beautiful mama with beautiful baby :)

 

So, this is all I have time for now. Lets pray I don't come back in another two months to update because homaigat updating two months worth of stories in one post is really tough! Haha.. Well, take care then everyone. Lets write a better story this year! ;)

 

 

 

 

"The only thing I know is this: I am full of wounds and still standing on my feet."

end of chapter.

Dear people,

I am sorry I have been missing for quite a while. I didn't mean to, or maybe I did. Maybe just a little. But I've been so busy lately. So many things have been going on. So many things needed to get done, and everything was on a time limit. 

Around a month ago, we had our convocation. A day I never though would come. It was one of those moments where you stop for a second and think, I did it. I actually did it!, and you'd have to pinch your arm to believe it because it all feels like a dream. It's like it was only yesterday that we first came to this place. Like scared little rabbits we scurried on to class and did assignments together, stayed up all night, slept in in the mornings, messed around, had fun. Yes, we bickered sometimes, had 'misunderstandings' and conflicts, we made friends, we lost some, some of us fell in love, some fell out of it but I know, none of us would give any of those moments away if only because they were all that got us here. The ones that stayed, stayed, and the ones that left, well, then so be it. Those who have been here with me, and are still here, I hope we stay friends forever. No matter how long, or how far apart we are, we'd still be there for each other, right?

I admit, I am a little disappointed that I didn't do as well as I'd hoped for for my degree but I am not any less thankful for making it out alive I still managed to graduate with a pointer above 3.50 so yeah, I'm still happy! 

I was also very happy Mum and Abah made it for my convocation, even though Abah left the hall half-way through the event to eat laksa at one of the stalls -____-" Haha.. but there wasn't a prouder moment -not even when I went up on stage and collected the scroll- than when I went to see them when we got out of the hall and Mum handed me a bunch of flowers and Abah shook my hand and they both said, "tahniah". My heart swelled with pride. I couldn't have done any of it without them. Thank you Mum, Abah. Thank you so much:)

It really was an awesome day. It was touching that even Nana came so even though she didn't get to graduate with us, she was still there for us. InsyaAllah we'll be there for her convocation next year. And we're all gonna try our best to make it to her wedding in December. We wouldn't want miss it for the world! What completed the day was when Syafiq came, along with Jezz, so we got our very own professional photographer for free! It was really nice of them to come even though they were both sick and it was a cold and rainy day earlier that day but they came anyway. Thanks guys :)

Fast forward a month later, and I'm busy applying for my masters. I've decided to go for Applied Linguistics at UPM. Hopefully I'll get accepted. Last Monday we went back to campus to get our supervisors to fill in our referee forms. When I went to see my Term Paper supervisor, she pulled out my paper and explained to me why I got what I got. Because of a glitch in the calculation of the data, I had messed up the whole data analysis and the results all turned out wrong. It was disappointing. She said it was a shame because I started out really well and it was just because of the glitch in the numbers and we didn't have time to go over the results together so, well I guess it's okay. I did try my best. I know I did, and she knows it too, and I've finally gotten the closure I've been looking for about the results. I guess I'll have to redeem myself when and if I go for my masters then.

Well, that's all I have time for now guys. Will update you on everything else next time, ciao!

to begin, again.

Every now and then you meet someone new. You meet someone special and you want them to stick around. You want to get to know what makes them laugh; you want to get to know the cause of every scar they have and you want know which of their scars never healed. You want them to ask you why you cringe when they mention a specific word or why you don’t like waiting, in general. Every now and then you meet someone new; someone special and you think, this is it. He’s the one.

Well, I didn’t meet anyone new. Not really. I guess you can say I met someone old, in a whole new different way. I’ve just realized he’s been standing there all along. It’s kind of tough really for me to explain every inch of our story from any possible angle from the very beginning, it’s just not possible. I’d have to take you back, wayyy back to the time when I first met my ex-lover. Yeah, they’re connected. Closer than you think. You see, I already know what you’re thinking and because of this, we’ve decided that those (our closest friends) who already know the whole story, know. For those who know nothing, or only half of what they think it is, well, maybe it’s just better to leave it that way. I'm sorry.

 It’s not like it’s some deep dark dirty secret. Well, it is a secret (or secrets), but one we've been cleaning out by extracting then one by one, analysing, clarifying We took a day, no, a whole afternoon and sat down and laid out all the pieces and organised and cleaned up the mess. Like CSI, we've been fitting all the evidence and solving a murder mystery, making sense of all the pieces we’ve collected along the way - you’d be amazed at how perfectly the stories matched. Like pieces of a 1000 piece puzzle - I swear they fit like pieces of a puzzle – they matched to make an oh so clearer picture. And until everything was out, and everything was done, we weren’t letting it go. This secret had been kept long enough. Like a bad infection, it had manifested itself into something so nasty that everyone who touched it, got sick too. There was nothing else we could do.

So there you go. I can’t tell you how it came to this but I can tell you how it is right now. How I’m in love with a guy whose been in love with me for a very long time. And because of certain circumstances, I was too blind to see that - that all along, he had been the one who had been there for me, and how couldn’t be together because of so many things. But now I see it, and I (finally) see him.

I don’t know how to explain it really but finally, I don’t feel so inadequate anymore. The feeling, it's like, you don’t have to be afraid anymore, waiting for the day he chooses to leave because he has gotten bored of you, or because you’re not as amazing as he expected you to be. This guy has seen me and he loves me I never even had to try. And I love him back because he makes me feel like I am enough. And for a guy, all I’ve ever wanted was to feel was that I was enough for him. And I don’t know if you’ve ever felt that way about a person, but I can guarantee you that if and when you do, everything will change. You become someone different - a better version of yourself, the kind of person you always hoped you’d be but could never really figure out how to become. Things become a little more bearable the moment you look into their eyes and hear their heartbeat. I promise you, there’s no feeling in the world like finding someone like this. Even more when he's been there all along. 

no matter how hard the past is, you can always begin again.

one direction: forward.

Oh gawd. How long has it been since I last said something here? A very long time I think. If you've been following me, and if have been expecting something, I'm sorry.

I'm not so sure whether the reason why I've not been writing here for a while is because I've been super busy with work or whether it's because when you're happy, it's much easier going out there and being happy than to be actually writing about it. haha.

I have been rather busy lately. With work. As the research progresses, the amount of hours I have to spend immersed in work is much longer now. A fellow collegue has also recently lost a family member so most stuff handled by her, I have to handle myself now. I'm glad she taught me well though. I know now how to conduct Focus Group Discussions (FGD's), and how to use the SPSS Software. I've also learnt the art of transcribing (no honestly, there is some art form to it), and how to conduct surveys on University students, which is great, and just in the nick of time too!

Tomorrow I'll be going to Monash to conduct a survey on their first year Pharmacy students. My boss, Dr. Kyita has also requested I accompany her for the survey on the final year Medical Students in Johor sometime in Novermber. She said she's never been to Johor so she's quite nervous about it. Well, so am I. I've never been to Johor either so this will be quite an experience I think. It's just, I'm not sure whether it will be more awkward sleeping in a hotel room with my boss or sleeping in a hotel room alone. I am quite the penakut, if you didn't already know. Oh brotherrr.

Besides that, I've also been getting busy preparing for convocation you see. The ceremony will be held in a couple weeks time so I'm busy busy busy getting things paid and completing the tracer study and paying and refunding and all that stuff. Next weekend, I'm off to campus to collect my robe. It's kind of exciting, and kind of sad in a way. I think, convocation is the mark for the start of a new life. Not one I'm really looking forward to to be honest, and I'm not even sure why but I'm sticking to my original plan, taking one step at a time. As long as it's moving forward, I think I'll be fine.


Only look back to see how far you've come.

Raya oh Raya!

Hari Raya has been hectic as hell. For the first couple weeks of raya, I spent it slaving in the kitchen helping mum cook and standing in front of the sink washing dishes and pots and pans and then wiping the stoves clean and keeping the tonnes and tonnes of plates and everything else in their rightful places in the cupboard only to take them out an hour later when somebody else comes to beraya. Being the hosting family is pretty tough that’s why (I’m shameful to admit) there is a little piece of me that loathes raya. But just this part I guess. 

There was one night when the last bunch of guests for the night had gone home, Abah sat us all down and said, “Raya memang penat. Memang banyak kerja bila orang datang semua tapi tujuan kita buat macam ni adalah untuk merapatkan silaturrahim especially antara sedara-mara you because if one day, Mama dan Abah dah takda, these are the people you will have to find. Because these are your own flesh and blood, diaorg lah yang akan tolong you bila you susah nanti.” 

What Abah said hit a nerve. He was right really. I felt ashamed of myself for all the times I grunted and groaned when we got a call from someone who wanted to come beraya. It doesn’t make it less tiring, no, but at least I get it now, and it makes everything a little less bearable. 

Thanks Abah. 

Last Wednesday I held a BBQ/ Open House for my friends. I hosted it myself with help from Ede and Nana. It was the first time I had ever hosted anything in my life but it was a geat experience for me. It was also so much more fun when I had my friends to help out. Of course I couldn't have done it without them AT ALL.

It was tough planning things from scratch. From how many guests I was planning to have (which kept changing and increasing due to my sisters wanting to invite their friends too) to what I planned to serve and and whether there would be vegetarians, whether if there would there be enough plates/ cups/ cutlery, what time I should start cooking what, how hell I was going to start the barbeque going, to how much the whole thing was ginna cost cz I was using my own money but Mum chipped in half so that was okay. The biggest conflict though was of course what I was going to wear. Haha.. But I was going to be moving about a lot so I couldn't wear anything nice you see.

I guess the best thing about it was that I got to learn how to cook. Abah had sent a text all the way from the hospital on how to cook Lontong with specific instructions for each ingredient and even though we forgot to add in the potatoes and the gelangal root, it turned out awesome! 

Only around half of my classmates turned up but the rest were busy or were too far away so it was okay. We'll just have to have another gathering some other time :) There were plenty of people anyways. It looked like my sisters had invited half their class too anyway. LOL.

I would just like to thank, again, those who helped out, especially Ede and Nana. They were awesome and well, friends like these, you just can't let go off. And thanks those who made it too, especially my friends; again Ede and Nana, Yuva who took the train just to come, Siva, Alya, her baby *winkwink*, and the adorable Putri, Ika and her friends, the dudes: Asip, Madil, Don complete with his name tag, Shatish, Jack, Syafiq and Wan.

I love you guys ♥

thank you Alya for the photo

thank you Asip for the photo

and even though we’ve all changed throughout the years and now we’re all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we’ll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we’re not all still friends.

ellie the irrelephant circus elephant.

scar tissue.

I look at my leg sometimes and see that scar. The one I got when I accidentally scratched myself with a sewing needle when I sewed that patch onto your sweater. I guess that's what you get for sewing in shorts huh. That was two years ago, but it seems like a lifetime ago. I loved you back then. So much so that I didn't mind how ever many patches you wanted on your sweater, I would gladly sew each and every one of them on for you everytime you came to me with a new one, if only to take your sweater back so I could wrap myself in it at night. So I could learn your smell as I faded off to sleep. The patch that gave me the scar was the very first one, but I learned to be more careful the next times.

It has been said that time heals all wounds, I do not agree. The wounds remain - this wound remained. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers it with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it's never really gone. Now its just a faded red blotch of uneven skin. Sometimes too ugly too look at, sometimes too painful. But you know, the miraculous thing about the human body is that it's able to heal itself; fix parts that have been broken, scratched, torn. Say, if you break a bone, it can heal so thoroughly within a few months that even an x-ray can't determine the original fracture line. Sometimes, it grows stronger than before. But sometimes, there are things broken, and torn (most times inside of you) that can never really be repaired. The sad sad truth is that though it heals, it just doesn't look, or feel the same again, no matter which way you tilt your head.

He's somewhere out there, proudly walking around in that sweater, crowned by all those patches I sewed on for him. Like a suit of skin made from all the times he was never aware he hurt me, because I stuck those pins in myself, I sewed them on for him. He didn't have to do a thing, I did it to myself. But there he goes, walking around in that sweater, carrying my scars with him.

 

under every scar, there's a battle I've lost.